Children Are NOT Our Future

The other day, as I wrote my bi-annual Cheder Update for the Hebrew School I head up in London, I began reflecting on the larger role of children in Jewish communal life.

Over the years, in my conversations with people from a wide-range of communities, I have found some people's preference for their communities to create 'children only' or 'family only' spaces. The logic here - and I do see the logic - is that children disrupt those people who are capable of 'participating' in the 'proper' or 'main' services or activities. Here, children are at best a mild distraction and at worse, a deterrent to fee-paying members. Those who are more sympathetic to families will often remind me that children (and their parents) will find the 'main' service and activities boring and un-engaging. In short, 'main' services are not for them.

Instead, they suggest that children and their families should be encouraged to attend cheder (Hebrew school), youth services and family events (or stay at home) until they are able to join in with the community without causing a nuisance.

I am in favour of creating separate spaces for those who wish to have either more formal style of tefilah (pray) as well as those that engage with experimental forms of Jewish prayer (such as meditation). However, I think these spaces must be in addition to the the main service and not the centre point. This is because the main service or large communal activities need to be inclusive of all its members; not just the ones who will sit still for two to three hours.

Doing this is not just beneficial to those families with young children, but to adults with learning disabilities and special educational needs too. Additionally, I believe that communities that accept a wide range of behaviours in their spaces will find it attracts more members than it puts off. Think of all those families and children that stay home each week on a Friday night or Shabbat morning, rather than risk coming into a space that makes them feel unwelcome. I also believe that the majority of community members would rather see a flourishing, diverse space than a small, contained one. And for those members that really need little or no distractions, we should help create separate spaces for them to be able to pray in the way they want to.

Here are some suggestions of what synagogues and communities could do to accommodate families in their spaces:

1. At the start of services it should be publicly announced that the space welcomes families with young children.
2. Where possible, services and activities should be structured in ways that encourage participation from its younger members.
3. During prayer services a corner or section of the room should be provided where parents can supervise their young children whilst they play on a mat with toys or books.
4. Fellow-members must trust that parents will remove their children from the services or activities should they become too disruptive.
5. When the above fails, communities should ensure that their wardens and members are briefed about the communal expectations for synagogue etiquette and be trained to approach parents of noisy children with sensitivity.

Whilst children of course distract, I feel a community that cannot share a space with all its members to be all the poorer. In fact, it is often the minor disruptions of children playing and talking which remind me of the immense diversity of our communities. Young people challenge us to create a space where they can grow and develop rather than fitting into a preexisting mould. An idea we should bear in mind, not just with kids, but with adults too.

Children (and their families) are not our future - they are our here and now! They matter because they are of inherent value and they contribute to our community at various stages of life.